Tim Bradford has had his share of rough life transitions.
A talented composer and musician, Tim's career was in full swing when the unthinkable happened. A persistent and unusual headache heralded health issues that would lead to a significant loss of hearing-- a death knell to his continuing full-time in the music field.
Then, as fate would have it, Tim and his wife Kerry dealt with yet another unthinkable life transition. Hear the story of their unexpected pregnancy, and what happens when heath issues once again intrude dramatically upon their lives.
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NOTE: This show transcript is still raw. Once final edits are made, it will be noted right here in the show notes.
This episode was recorded 9.20.18. All portions are copyright 2018 Luanne Bole-Becker.
Tim Bradford has had his share of rough life transitions.
A talented composer and musician, Tim's career was in full swing when the unthinkable happened. A persistent and unusual headache heralded health issues that would lead to a significant loss of hearing-- a death knell to his continuing full-time in the music field.
Then, as fate would have it, Tim and his wife Kerry dealt with yet another unthinkable life transition. Hear the story of their unexpected pregnancy, and what happens when heath issues once again intrude dramatically upon their lives.
***************************************************
NOTE: This show transcript is still raw. Once final edits are made, it will be noted right here in the show notes.
This episode was recorded 9.20.18. All portions are copyright 2018 Luanne Bole-Becker.
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Speaker 3:this is passing through life I show that explores how people navigate major life changes. Just how do we make it through what life throws at us. I'm your host Luanne bold Becker
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Speaker 3:Today's episode is entitled when it's not a happy ending. It's episode number 13, and it's an interview with Tim Bradford. He's an amazing musician,
Speaker 5:a loving husband and father, and a pretty darn good real estate agent too. In fact, the home that we're sitting in right now is one that we moved into with Tim's help. So welcome Tim. Thanks for jokey very much, sir. Be here. As I mentioned, Tim is a very talented musician, a composer and arranger, a performer. And that's pretty much how our paths crossed. Actually it was my husband Bob, who first met Tim. Uh, you are both connected to a group called BMA entertainment, right? Yep. And over the years, I know you wrote and performed custom music for us, for our documentaries. Uh, we also videotaped you in concert with guitarists. Neil's aza down at playhouse square. Yeah. Yeah. And I love that you and our son who is now an audio engineer recording this podcast and he has facial hair, facial hair, he's gotten older that you guys have worked together, uh, creating music for us. So it's, it's a really nice, um, collaboration in and out. Yeah. Um, but our conversation today is going to be about some really, really tough life changes that, um, you've had to deal with and you're still facing. Uh, but let's go back in time and start with an explanation of your life as a musician. What did that look like and how were things going? It was what I went to school for. It was what I needed to go to school. I did try seeing, which is a local community college. And then I went to Cleveland state and I loved it. I actually started playing very, very young. My mom studied at the conservatory. Really? And a, yeah, she was going to be a performer. That was her thing. And then she met my dad and uh, that changed that. Yeah. But that was really where my love started, uh, of music started to happen. And then we ended up, um, taking lessons privately, a couple of different places, but I was a little bit more accelerated past where they were. Okay. What I'm instrument piano, acoustic piano primarily. Uh, but then, uh, I really didn't start studying music until I was in college. So I, even though I had played several, um, uh, I've done albums, lots of recordings. By the time I got to college, it was actually my experience in college was where I got my formal training. I studied with two teachers. Uh, a doctor, Jerry Evans was my first teacher. He was willing to tolerate it and guided me. And then I studied with his teacher who was Andreas[inaudible]. That was, he was a, just a very, very, uh, gentle but stern teacher. You know, the old school, uh, had fingers like spider legs cues wrong. Yeah. I mean, that makes a difference. Yeah. I've got this short stubby one CDN and uh, he guided me as well. And then, um, it was off to the races once I was done. I've done a lot of recordings and not a performance of over 30. I've done 30, uh, recorded projects, pressed projects, uh, actually did a 45, which is a little bit before you know who's tired. But, uh, I've, I've actually done vinyl projects as well, so I think I've done four vinyl projects and then we went into the cds and then into, um, uh, video type of performances of some of the shows that we've done, which you were involved with with deal. And you tell me you charted, uh, chartered all the orchestra parts for the, uh, bar. None. It was my proudest, uh, performance and my achievement with music was to hear the orchestra play parts where I did it, you know, in my small little room on my mom's spinet SJ piano and that was by myself. And then to hear it come to life like that was just absolutely an incredible achievement for me. And, uh, if I hadn't had a chance to do that, uh, my musical career would have not been fulfilled. That was really one of the fulfilling times. So kind of cool since again, I've talked and this podcast found my husband on having Alzheimer's, but because he was in radio and TV, I can still hear him. I'm thinking the same thing with you. You can still hear those, can still hear them, my kids can hear them. And so wherever I am at, there's going to be a part of me that people can look back on. And there were certain times in my life where those things were written where you can feel that kind of energy and that kind of vibe. Uh, it definitely, you know, when you have a, a tumultuous time of your life, whatever that may be, and you're writing or doing something artistically inclined, there seems to be a reflection of that time in your life, in that artwork. So you can look back at those Christmas things that I did with Neil and hear a little bit of dark darkness to it because it was a difficult time. And so that was, uh, it was a good experience. They have those archived for me under that, under that a project. Cause that was, that was for great times. We're going to get into some help things first. And were you pretty healthy all of your life? Well, I don't smoke. I did drugs younger, but of course it's what happens. I drink very rarely. And, and up until 2000, I was perceived as being the healthy, uh, guy that was, uh, clearly not a what the course was for me. And, and on at 2000 was the year I was diagnosed with the, what's it called, an acoustic neuroma and a, that's a, a vestibular Schwannoma, which is actually a brain tumor. But the brain tumors located on the auditory nerve of the cranial nerves have cars sent. Why? They did the operation. It was invasive. Um, and they took out my hearing nerve and that was a really the kind of changing time for my, uh, hardcore musical career. Um, I was pretty sick and it took me a long time to recover, but in that I reinvented myself and that's actually how I got involved with real estate. That was the time that, let me, let me explore this transition a little bit. First, what were your symptoms? So we're going to have a couple of public service announcements, either these podcasts. So this is the first one. What I'm always careful about this because you have people with so much access to back lit formation, web MD, and the different, the different sites that people can look on. I get a headache. That was, that was it. But we all have headaches at some point in time, whether it be induced by the night before or if you just have a rough day and it's a tension headache. Uh, this was, this was a, a bad headache though. It was a migraine ask, which it was, uh, it included visual kinds of things that were happening. So there was a choir practice at my house and I decided, um, this one was too bad. I went instead of the choir practice, I went to Fairview hospital and, um, they did a cat scan. They came back into the room, didn't tell me anything and told me I needed an MRI. So they did an MRI. And what the MRI was, was a confirmation of what the cat scan found, which was a five centimeter a brain tumor in there. So it was, uh, causing headaches because it was displacing all the brain stuff. And as it got worse, and as it grew, it continued to give me the headaches. And that's, that's how I found out. And I now, when we talked about this before, when they mentioned something about it being auditory, how well was your devastating yeah, I was, I was like, oh no, this, you know, here I'm, I'm literally in the, in the midst of, of, of a great musical career. And, uh, though there wasn't a specialist that could talk about this, uh, kind of tumor specifically. Uh, there were doctors that were aware of what the acoustic neuroma was and gave me little hints of what might happen. And that was a devastating for me because that was, that was my life. And, uh, that was all confirmed when I went to my neurologist and the neurosurgeons, and they said, yeah, you're, you're in all going to lose your hearing. And I was like, that was the worst, right? Not even the brain tumor, the operation or the recovery, the fact that I was going to go through this and lose my facility. Who you are pretty like, yes, that's what I was, you know what I did and um, it was, it was really tough. That was tough. This is a serious surgery, right? I mean they put a bow, in fact, I had, the complications were, it was an 18 and a half hour surgery, so I was supposed to be like seven to nine hours, ended up being super long, uh, had complications in the surgery that extended at that much longer. Uh, and I didn't, I was in intensive care for like 14 days. Oh my gosh. And uh, it was really, really tough. That was tough recovery and I had to deal with, uh, the loss of the hearing nerve, the loss of the balance nerve, which y'all acclimate to yell at you. Your body has an incredible way to heal itself in the best way possible. So you get through it. But at that time it was just brutal. Well, how did you, since this is about how you handle transitions, I just finally get through this one and then we'll head to the next one. Uh, but I think it took you a year, basically recovery. So what helps you keep going instead of whatever giving up? Well, I thought at that time there was two ways that I can handle it. Clearly the hearing was gone. It wasn't going to come back. So if I was going to stay in music, it would have to be in a different capacity, a teaching capacity or a librarian, which I always wanted to be music librarian. Uh, unfortunately, you know, that wasn't what my schooling was in my, my education was in theory and composition. So if I wasn't going to do music full time, I had to do something else. So I put my energy not into, uh, worrying about getting back into music, but what was the next chapter going to be? And, uh, that was how real estate was born for me. And that just seems like such an unusual transition bat. You tell me it has something to do with your mom. Um, my mom had a great experience when I was, uh, when I was growing up, she found her dream home in Parma with a, a real estate couple. Um, and uh, I thought, you know, if I was going to do anything and be a part of people's lives, uh, on a different level than I would be musically than I would want to affect people that way. Cause it was a great experience for my mom was just so in a grateful to them for the way they treated her and finding the house and, and that's what I wanted to do. I didn't really consider it sales. It was more like a facilitator. I was more like somebody that could, uh, you know, kind of transition somebody else from here to there. I never, I never considered it the sales. So a lot of the interviews with the brokers that I was going to go to was, have you ever been involved in sales? And I'm like, not really. I've never, never, I mean never sold. I never sold anything other than my performances, which gave me great experience to be able to work with people when you may not always feel like wanting to work with people, which is what sales is. But I never sold anything so that, that probably, I mean, having been a customer of yours and a friend, I mean, I think that sets you apart. I mean, I don't want somebody who's trying to sell me something. I really don't. And I pride myself on not having that kind of, um, um, salesman approach to what I do. Right. Where you have a heavy hand in making the decisions for the clients because all's I do is allow them the opportunity to see the choices. I get them into the choices. I gave them the options. Uh, I can, you know, give them all my experience, you know, but I, I, uh, never wanted to be a heavy handed guy. It's just not my style. I'm not wired that way, you know? So it was a good fit on that level to not be that realtor follow suit because you wouldn't have been that real time. Now, why is your mom still around then? Did she know that this, no, she died in 97 and my brain tumor was diagnosed in 2000 so she never knew. My father, uh, was introduced really mostly into my life when I was diagnosed in 2000 with my brain tumor. So he saw me, uh, in my career, which was great cause he saw what little success I had as a staining by the time he passed away. But my mom unfortunately never saw. What else helped you get through that? I think we talked about your faith. Very faithful. Okay. So how did that help you make this transition? Well first I was surrounded, I went to West Park Assembly of God, which isn't too far from where we're at right now. So we're on shaft road and they were very, very supportive. Everybody's shaved their heads before the surgery, you know, every, all the guys, all the guys, the girls,[inaudible] girl shit dated thinking the guys that was heavily involved in the church. So when they knew immediately when I didn't make it to choir practice that night, that something was up. And then when I, I shared what was happening Sunday, they all just corralled around. And I was very sure that this wasn't a matter of why me, but why not me? Why not me? If I'm faithful and I'm, I'm walking the walk that I talk, it was important for me to have a testimony of something that was more than just, you know, uh, changing the tire or getting a cold or a to thick. You have to be given something to display your faith. And this was it for me. It was a, it was a chance for me to, you know, be my, be myself in, I have great faith, you know, so it worked out so. Hmm. Did it also help you, I mean, cause what you're telling me is that it was a chance to show your faith. It's almost like how to either show others around you or God, but I mean, how did you draw upon that during this time? Or did that help you know, what gets you through this? It's enough to study the Bible, but to know the Bible is where you start applying it to different facets of your life. And so when I was calling upon the the aspects of faith that are needed, it wasn't in front of anybody. It was for me to give my own validation that what I believe really is what's going to get me through what I'm about to go through both prior to the operation and after. It's not an easy journey whether you have an operation or what you're experiencing with your husband, I mean, but you call on yourself when those things that you know in your spirit to be true and you have that as a validation in your life that you're going to get through it, that what you need is already instilled in you to be able to have the strength to get through it. Whether it be walking one, well my biggest feat was I walked one house with a, with a walker. When I got home from the hospital after my tumor, one house, I got out of my house and I took the Walker and my then wife helped me walk one, one house. That was it. Okay. I came back and I mean that was, so these small beginnings, right? Right. Bible talks about are valid things, little things can meet a lot and you build on those stepping stones of successes and that's what gets you through it a little bit at a time. Are you happy in this second career? I don't know if it's your second and maybe you're with static and plan B. Okay. Very happy. That's a great fit because I can work as much as I work. Uh, nobody's, nobody's necessarily micromanaging what I do. I can create as much work or as little work as I want to do. I create a lot of work cause I got a lot of mouths to feed. So I, uh, I work a lot and I, I do love it. It's a great plan B and I'm blessed to have it for sure.
Speaker 6:Okay. Well, well you mentioned some mouse defeats. I picked a little birdies going, Tim didn't do. Okay. All right. So yeah, it's a big burden. Yeah. More mouths to feed. Yeah. All right. So tell me about this next stage of your life. So, um, when you had the, the brain tumor, yeah. Um, you were married that, so that changes. So let's get you from there to the next stage.
Speaker 5:Okay. So, uh, married for several years, we decided it would be time to park and we did that in 2007. And then in 2011, um, I met, uh, my, uh, my wife and uh, actually 2010 and then we were married. We were in 2011. And uh, she is by far the best thing that's ever happened to me. Oh, that's great to hear. And do you have a number of children? How many shades you had? She has two kids from a previous marriage now. She's, as well as divorced and Sean and Molly are from a previous marriage. Then Shawnee's 11 Molly's nine, going to be tendon, uh, just about a month. And then we had some children as well. Nate is seven. Uh, Jonah is five, going to be six next week and which is August. So by the time we hear all this care, they're all gonna be like, Dad, you really don't remember my ages, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then, uh, then of course, Aden, which is what brought us together. Okay. So tell me, um, tell me who Ayden is. Aiden Alexander Bradford. Aiden means little fire in Gaelic. Alexander is a protector of the people. And then Bradford, my last name, Aiden was my son that passed away in 2014. And that was, uh, outside of any, without, without any hesitation, the most difficult and challenging a season of my life and still is and is still, there are still things that I battle. Okay. Uh, but that, uh, that happened in July 17th of 2014 he passed away. All right, let's go back a bit. Tell me about what leads up to all of this. So, um, you, you had four children, had four children. We decided that I would do, uh, we, we were done with kids and I went to a, uh, a, a urologist to get a vasectomy. I had a vasectomy done and, uh, did the recovery, actually got a, a, another operation close after the vasectomy that, uh, caused a staph infection. So I got really sick again with the staph infection after the vasectomy because of I wanted to get it all done within that year. And it turns out that, uh, the vasectomy failed. It did not take as we were hoping. Um, there are tests coming up. Uh, yeah, I guess it doesn't matter if you're one, but okay. For some reason that's a part of me that is just got shocked. You know, all the medical stuff, we'll stop it. All the odd kind of things that happen, uh, to me medically, it of course it didn't take. Uh, and then, uh, when you look back 20, 20 vision, there are tests and things that I could have done that because I was in the midst of recovery from the staph infection. Uh, I didn't do, and in that, uh, we did not know that it didn't take obviously. So my wife, my current wife, Carrie and I, uh, went to, uh, the, uh, the, uh, baby doctor for a regular followup, just a standard year after followup. And, and this was after[inaudible] and after my operations and everything, uh, and then, uh, turns out that, uh, we saw the heartbeat that day that we thought she was late and maybe just having some early change of life type stuff. And it clearly was not, there was a, there was a heartbeat there. And, um, we were, uh, I was guilt ring without a doubt. I mean, we were devastated. To tell you the truth, it was not a planned pregnancy. It was not something that we were hoping for trying for. And really, uh, because of what I was going through physically, uh, it was the last thing that we, uh, wanted and needed it. And you told me you guys, again, psychologically you'd given away all the nurse. So all the baby stuff was gone. It was great cause we knew that my two and three year old, we're the last of the clothes. So we would donate all the clothes. You know, when you have four kids, the first one goes to the second, it goes to the third. However it works. You hand me down clothes, you know, uh, and other stuff to toys. Sometimes girls. Well, when you have uniforms, yes. So we would keep all the uniforms for school and if it wasn't torn or, or stained or bloodied or anything else, then we'll use it in the next generation when they grow into it. But after Jonah, who was, uh, my youngest at that time, uh, when he would grow out of stuff, it'd be gone. The nursery became a home office, uh, which was nice. And, uh, I was able to work a little bit out of the house, which is nice. And you know, we took our office out of the dining room, which then became a dining room. So it was like this huge life transition where you gotta like a normal house and well defined normal. But uh, when, uh, when we found that out it was, we had to buy everything. Everything from the crib, Walker's bounty, everything had to get a close. And so it Kinda took us right back into, uh, being newborn parents, which we had kind of left let go. Our minds are met. Mindset was not about being a parent anymore and how I carry back, same, same as me. We're both, we're both throne shoes. She handles things differently than I do. I'm much more, uh, uh, emotions on my sleeve types. So I was confused. I was, I was guilt ridden because I felt responsible. I was angry because, you know, this isn't the way I thought and I was joyous all at once because this was a baby, this was our child, this was our, this was our mantle. This was a part of our walk. And so I didn't want to get, you know, totally absorbed in the, it being negative because this Phil was a baby. Granted, we didn't understand what was going to happen, but in the first months it was, you know, okay, well we're here. Baby's not going to go anywhere. We're not going to be any more or less pregnant a week from now or two weeks ago. It doesn't matter. We're moving forward. So let's do our best to embrace the, the, uh, the opportunity and the chance we have here. So we went out and, you know, spent$1,000 on new stuff and set up the nursery and, you know, uh, all that stuff, you know, it's, uh, we got it all set up and, um, how's Carrie's pregnancy rough? That was what kind of, that's what kind of preceded the rest of the rough. She was sick and, uh, it was, it was tough physically. It was really tough on her mindset wise. It was, it was a challenge. I mean, we both had to continue to work. We both had to continue to do our lives, but when she started getting sick, we realized that this was going to be a challenge on a much different level. It had no, uh, special tests. Uh, she was considered advanced maternal age. I was, you know, in my fifties. So we both knew that we were both older, older, but we never had any special tests done to see whether anything was genetically going to be wrong or if anything health wise was going to be a concern of us or it didn't matter as you went through. I mean, you're getting checked and stuff. The baby's five baby's growing. We got the pictures, we get the three d images. Uh, nothing, nothing, you know, struck any kind of a nervous coordinates, you know, it was just challenging and decay. You have to go on bedrest towards the end. Towards the end. Yeah. Okay. Now, so you're ready. You've made the transition and k you're physically ready. You've accepted this, you're getting excited. The fifth child is coming out. How does the birth go? All right, so June 17, blistering hot. We're sitting in the backyard. I have, um, I don't know if it was a, it was a big ball that you connected a hose to and although water would come out, all the water would, yeah. Showers hot. And all of us were in the backyard and we were pouring cold water on mommy's swollen feet and, uh, trying to keep her comfortable. Uh, two days from June 17th, we were supposed to have a c-section done, so he was a little bit late. He was full term. So, but he was a little bit late and they were concerned. So we scheduled this c-section, uh, had ice cream tray, got everybody cool down, went into the house. It was about nine 30, nine 40 in the evening. Bathtime everybody was in bed and it was going on 10 o'clock and her water broke. And, uh, we, we woke everybody up, everybody got piled into the car. And I'm the off to Saint John's. We go, and you have to, these kids are young. Anyway, I'm thinking this is that I got them out of their bunk. Patsy. I mean, it was like, oh boy, this was okay. Here we go. Kids. Yeah. So I literally got them. They were in their jammies. Uh, it was warm out, so we got them literally in the straight in the car and we drove to St John's. And, uh, uh, I had the talk with them on the way up there and they were clear about what I expected them from them in the hospital. I mean, it was amazing how there was like this weird annointing of goodness on them because we all held hands. We got mommy in that hospital, we got her registered. Um, and then, uh, it was very quick that we realized that she was gonna have, uh, she was going to have aid. And so we, uh, we went up to the room within 10 minutes they carted around, she had fully dilated and she was ready to go. Yeah. It was like it was on. So I thank God that we, we made it there. He right, because it's a dad, you think, well, you know, it'd be a cool story to say, I delivered my son and, but the truth is, is absolutely not. Yeah. There was nothing I wanted more than that. Ended up get her where she needed to be, you know, so they were sitting in, we were all in the same room. Uh, she was going through her, her screaming and yelling, which is expected. All four kids were still on the, on the couch within the room. They, it was, it was very surreal to have everybody together like that. And then he had, um, the doctor came in a said, we have to go right now. They went and he didn't even make it to the operating room. He, he, uh, he was born like very quickly and we knew immediately that there was trouble. So they took, uh, Aiden back to, uh, one of the nurses got her all situated and allowed her to physically do what she needed to do. They put her into and they put the Aiden into an incubator and, uh, he was having trouble breathing. And, uh, and so we knew right then that there was going to be, uh, some complications. They let us know immediately. They thought they were going to get him over to a rainbow, rainbow baby children's hospital. And, uh, so he was, he was gone and he was, went over to rainbows children's hospital immediately. And, uh, Carrie was at Saint John's. And, uh, now it's on. So see, you didn't get any joy. You get the adrenaline right. Here we go, we're going here. You get that support, right. Everything was great. Everything looked like it was going to be awesome. Uh, but it, it, uh, and he had 10 fingers and had 10 toes and it didn't matter. He had all, he was a trisomy 21 positive. So he had all the congenital defects that come with the, a child with down syndrome. Uh, he had, um, holes in his heart. He had, um, uh, trouble breathing, taking the oxygen and processing it. So his blood ox level was always low. And, uh, that was just start of the challenges. We didn't even know what to expect when we did that. I mean, did you know anything about yeah, yeah, yeah. You are in testing. You weren't expecting it. So when I, when I saw him for the first time, I grabbed my phone and I took his first picture and he was a crying baby and I thought, okay, take that breath and okay, we're here. Right? And then clearly there was some problems. Uh, the nurse came and grabbed him and took him and got him on oxygen. And, um, and then that was it. He was gone. Cary never got the chance to hold him. Uh, she didn't hold them until he was in the hospital. And when he was in at Rainbow, he was, uh, yeah, intubated and he had all the diodes on there to check his brainwaves. And so it was, uh, it was tough stuff. I never, never experienced that where I was separated. All my other kids, I cut the board. Oh my gosh. Okay. I can cut the cord here. I, it was a cut the cord on my two kids and, and uh, we held them immediately and they were on mom's chest and we bonded. All our kids were natural. There was no c-sections. Uh, all of them were natural. So we had that experience to get our lives together, growing and out with Aiden. Unfortunately, we were given the opportunity to, uh, hold him, touch him, uh, kiss him. Any of that experience, which as a parent is that some of the most beautiful beginning times that you can possibly hope for, you know, so that was, that was not an option for us. And when he went to the hospital, he was in an, into intubated and incubator immediately. So I'm going to ask you a little bit more about that, but let me take you back here. Okay. So Carrie's had this child. Yes. Um, okay. The baby's been taken care of. What's going on with her and what's going on with you at four kids sitting there like scared to death. My neighbors, God bless them, my neighbor came up and got my kids. Uh, cause she, she was on standby. We're real close with our neighbors. So Matt came up and grabbed a, my four kids, took my truck home cause we had all the car seats and everything in it and he's left her car and got them home while I was with care. And while they were prepping, uh, Aiden to be, uh, taken over there. And so I had my car at Megan's, my neighbor's house, and I had her car. So finally, when the doctors came in, we're, we're shipping them. We, he's got to go over there. We can't, we can't handle where he's at. I looked at Guerin, I'm like, well, you know, what do I do? She said, you go with the baby. And that's what I did. I went home, got my car and went up the, uh, rainbows in the rainbow baby children's hospital and, and I was with them. So does she stay at Fairview first? She was at St John's. She was at Saint John's. You're different at my hospital experience. So yeah, she stayed there for three days. You know, she was there for three days. So she, she separated. Yeah. Which was tough for me because that meant that to visit either one of them, I had to go to everywhere plus get the kids at school plus pick them up, plus all the other elements of this crazy journey. I'll ask you about that in your bed, but I want it now. I want to go back to eight and so, Yup. Aiden. Um, tell me about Aiden's life. He came up, he came out strong. He was, you know, I heard him cry, a beautiful jet, black silky hair, uh, Tan, beautiful skin. It was just, it was beautiful. And he had all the toes and fingers. I mean, it was all there. It was all a package. And, um, we were really, we were really happy. It was a brief moment that we thought, okay, he's just, you know, when he gets out and he was as sick as he was, we thought, well, okay. He just needs to, he just needs a little help getting on his feet. That's really, really what we thought were, it wasn't as, you know, we weren't, we weren't thinking of the, the worst case scenario. We were really still optimistic. Um, but, um, yeah, he was a beautiful baby when we've talked about this before, you mentioned, uh, but as this goes on, Steve mentioned a case got holes in his heart. He doesn't get muscle town. Um, they call it sloppy floppy, which was, yeah. Which is where they have nothing. He couldn't, he couldn't do anything. He couldn't, he couldn't lift his arms and stuff. Okay. And how are you guys able to interact with him? One in, at once, Kerry is able to come and stuff, but you know, you said you weren't able to put him on your chest, so what are you able to do? All that we could do is uh, love on him over the incubator walls. So he was in all like a warming. It's like a warming tray almost. You know, he had the diodes on his head. The majority of the time. There's still I think a 20 or more and uh, he often had either oxygen or he was intubated, so he was always connected. There's a couple times that I think the nurses and the doctors realized how in love with this boy we were. So they created opportunities for us and we did kangaroo time, like kangaroo time is where the skin on skin. And so, um, both of us were given the opportunity to put a, a medical gown on and then, uh, they would place Aden, uh, his naked little body on ours and we would just talk them for half hour, 40 minutes. And it was absolutely, absolutely precious. That was the time that we missed at the hospital where we get to hold ourselves, you know, so we both had them a couple of times. Carrie had a chance to hold him, but it would require two or three nurses to assist us. So because of all the wires, there were so many wires and things that he was connected to that were required for him to keep, uh, keep him not only stable, but where he's at. They were recording all this stuff that, you know, he would, they would need help. So it wasn't like the romantic notion of going in, picking your child up out of the crib and, and hugging him. And it wasn't like that. It was a little less romantic up. It clearly, clearly just as valuable because it was, it was wonderful time that, um, I, uh, I'm so glad I got that chance to feel him against me like that. That was very, very precious. And let's go back now to your kids. So what's happening with the rest of your life, um, while Aiden is there and you're cheering them out. Yeah, we had, uh, two of our younger ones. Uh, we're still in digger. Three of them were in daycare, the other one was on summer vacation, uh, from LCA. Yeah. So there, so here's the nice thing about people rallying and you wonder why not me member when it's talking about that this is where you see the people stepping out and helping out. So a holy family, which was the daycare that the three brand offered to keep Shawnee for us, which is my oldest, and come in and to, uh, work as a tutor to the kids. He knew the kids anyway because he was just out of there for a year or so, and his brothers and sister were there. So it, it was made sense. But this is where sister Kathleen at the director at the daycare, uh, allowed that to happen, which relieved us from daytime duty, which allowed me to be on the, get over to care. She's okay before she came home and then get over to seeing Aiden, which we did every day. We, we went and spent time with every day. So it was nice to have that, that place for them to be, I'm not sure. I mean, I guess what I want to point out as, you know, people dealing with something so traumatic and difficult find your team mean they found you, which I think in that case was critical because I'm not sure you had the emotional or division. I had no idea where we don't have relatives or uh, uncles and uh, uh, grandparents that could have just moved into our house for, we didn't have that option. So to have them step out like that and be there for us was, was crucial in keeping our mindset where it to be, which was with honor our son. Okay. How are your kids doing? Oh, they're young. Yeah. One of the grief counselors at the hospital gave some great advice. He said to meet them where they're at, meet them where they're at. And I used, I still use it. I will constantly think of that because you have these elements that you don't know where they're at to how do you talk to them. My oldest kind of knew what was going on, uh, but wasn't, wasn't asking questions. So we kind of offer up the information as we're going through it. Right. We can keep them posted. Uh, but these kids are young so they don't, they see mom, they're going through it, but they didn't really grasp what we were going through or the magnitude of what eventually happened. So could they actually go to the hospital in NICU? They're not allowed to be there. They made an exception for us later on in the process, yes. To say goodbye and they wanted at least the chance to visit and, uh, see their brother wants. And so, uh, towards maybe the middle part of the 30 days he was alive, we realized that this was not going well, that, uh, this was going to have a tough ending. So we got them to come in and visit. We didn't do all four at once until there was picture day. So two older we would bring in, spent some time, uh, you know, loving on them, you know, getting to know him a little bit, as much as they could. And then, uh, and then my younger two, uh, came in and Nate, who was my number three, uh, still struggles. He still talks about it. In fact, when we talk about us being a family, he brings, he still brings it up, which is strange because he's not the oldest. He's my third child. Yet. For some reason he connected to Aiden. It's maybe as hard as far as, you know, he's has a, you know, loving for kids. Uh, he gave him this Mickey Mouse statue or his Mickey mouse thing in the, I have a picture of that and spent time with him and stroked his hair in the, in the a incubator. And I mean, it was a much different experience for each of the kids. And, uh, it still kind of is the same way now when we talk about having six of us, Nate will correct and say their seven when Nate draws, he has Aiden as an angel, uh, or, or five kids with mom and dad. You know, he's still, it's still a part of his, of his experience. It's still a part of his life. We haven't really explicitly said what happened. I think by now, um, aren't listeners understand this part of the end? I don't even, it's not an ending, but this part of the journey. So what happens, um, in the rest of Aiden's life, all so July 16th,
Speaker 7:we had a photographer come in and took pictures of all seven of us. Uh, we all stood around and, and uh, and uh, they made some great pictures and some great memories and the photographer came in and did some really nice shots of carrying it in the baby and it was really just a great, a great experience. Uh, because we knew on July 17th, we had made the decision to remove, uh, the breathing tube. The doctors were informing us that if we didn't remove the tube, he would become so dependent on it that he would be on a breathing apparatus forever, but that they felt there was enough of a percentage for us to at least try and see if he could breathe on his own. The only way that was going to happen was for us to take the, take the tube out, hardest decision ever. No, no exceptions. That that was a choice that she and I made collectively, that we knew that consequences were going to be either he would breathe or he wouldn't. Right. It was either one or the other, there was no middle. And we also made the commitment to not put the two back in, that if it looked like if it was failing, that there would not be an intervention and that we would have to let him go. And then, uh, on July 17th, we took the tube out and, uh, four 30 was, he had passed away. He died. He died in my arms as a parent. If it's going to happen, uh, there's no better way that you'd want that to happen then to have your son in your arms and his, his beautiful hair and cheeks were online and uh, I felt his life leave his body. That was July 17th, 2014.
Speaker 2:[inaudible]
Speaker 7:and uh, I'm glad it was me and uh, my wife because I think it would have been harder on her even more than it already is because it's very, very difficult to lose a child. Any child, any age, it doesn't matter. It's, it's a, there's a process that there's something that's feels wrong. It feels wrong. But I wouldn't want her to have that experience and cared that the way that I do because that's very, very difficult. I am very sorry. Okay. So how do you guys move forward? You know, I, uh, I look back at what I could've, should've, would've done immediately after he died. I put a lot of energy into having a service for him and, and getting back to what, as much normalcy as that you could do a with my other kids, we didn't have a break. We had daycare.
Speaker 5:My, my business practice kept going. She had to get her body back in shape and feel better. We, our life kept going. The carousel kept turning. We didn't get that chance to grieve. Really. I would have, I would have forced ourselves to do that to greys. That's what I would've done. I would have taken time for that. That would have been something that I think and I would talk to parents about if something like that happens to make sure you become as healthy as you can be, uh, is quicker. Cause I went right back to it and I kind of, I put it somewhere and uh, and uh, didn't deal with it the way that I probably could have. And do you think you could have done that? I mean, you mentioned you went back to work, you're a real estate agent, so you're working, right? But I mean, do you think you could have, if you what I, I would've, I would have forced myself if I would have known that I would have carried this as deeply as I have just, and that's always that 20, 20 hindsight vision. It's always clear when you're looking back. Uh, but that, that was probably something that in anytime that I console somebody that's been through this, I, I recommend that to, you have to, you have to go talk to somebody. Carrie and I both have very demanding jobs and a demanding lifestyle and being as isolated as we are from family help than goodness that the families of church and our schooling, we're there to help us. But other than that, we still had to get back into our routine and that made it, uh, that made it difficult for us to do anything extra. And really even think, to tell you the truth, Louie, to think about it. When we weren't thinking we've got stuff to deal with, we weren't, you know, we were just like, where are my kids? Do they have food? Are we okay? Eight o'clock, get him there, got appointments, get back into my listings, you know, I mean, that's all that it was really the magic of the grind. Right? Unfortunately, we were both changed. We were both changed and we didn't, we didn't talk about it and we didn't address it and address it. Well, you angry. Yes. Angry, confused, guilty. Should I, could I have done that test? You know, uh, was it, was it my being as old as I am? Was it her being as old as she was? You know, it was confusing. Um, anger, guilt or no. All the inherent stuff that comes with, you know, the, I could've, should've, would've was in your life. Did you know, I think when we talked previously, you mentioned, you know, you go back to work and now you start lashing out. Oh yeah. Yeah. So I mean, you're angry by it. Maybe it's a guy thing. I don't know. You know, I, I think goes both ways.
Speaker 6:I know that as well. Yeah.
Speaker 5:Uh, being angry and lashing at, uh, deals, lashing at people, lashing at my friends, uh, just because I had this all penned up inside of me that I didn't, uh, transition from that in a healthy level. Uh, I, I'm better, you know, through chemistry. Yeah.
Speaker 6:But I am a,
Speaker 5:I'm still feeling those same kinds of things just in a place where it's more quiet and where it allows me to deal with it differently, you know? But I've had to make those apologies. I've reached out to several realtors where I've had deals with them where I would find that I would be blasting off on them and then yet they don't, they don't know. And I would share what happened in my experience and they would say they totally understand it doesn't make it right, but it kind of gives a little perspective on what I was dealing with at that time. And the couple of years after you died as well, did you get angry at God if faith was your heart? Okay. Many conversations, you shake your hand, but you know what, the conversations have to continue. Even if they're of anger, you have to, you have to say those conversations with the Lord. You got to talk about it. And that was really a part of me trying to transition from handling, going on my own, handling the anger and the issues on my own to being able to really constructively start to deal with what I have to do with was the conversation that was laid on my heart, that it was time to deal with what we've got to deal with. And so I would talk to my doctors about it and uh, and they would be able to help me work through some of those things.
Speaker 6:I find it interesting and I some maybe I've repressed some things, but in other parts of my life we talk about it. If you have a faith with a personal guy that Christian God, um, you talk about forgiveness and how we're forgiven, I think we don't talk enough about forgiving God.
Speaker 5:Yeah, probably. Yeah. You get angry because you think if all things come through through him, if everything happens for a plan of purpose, because that's what we're Dustin, then this is his fault.[inaudible] yeah, but really it's not, I mean, we were given this opportunity to walk in faith just like the brain tumor, just like any other sickness or any other story. How are you going to display your faith to yourself and to those around you unless you're giving something to do with, it's not enough just to say you're brave. You've got to be in a situation where you could show bravery. And that's kind of like what happened with this? You know, I was always open about my faith and my being angry and about my frustration with y and then it kind of soften to why not me. And that's really where I met with this. Now tell me about music because music comes back into this a bit. And Sister Kathleen, who you mentioned, she's the bomb. Yeah. That's terrific. Yeah. She recently retired. Yeah. She recently retired from a holy family after being director for decades, but she was very instrumental in me getting back into playing because in the, in the holy family in LCA building itself, in between the two buildings, there is a chapel in the chapel, is a beautiful grand piano that I would drop the kids off and then go play for 15 or 20 minutes or something to start my day before I got there on just on my own loud stained glass windows, beautiful room. Um, and it ended up that when, when Aiden passed away, she was one, one and only PR person that came up to me and said, start playing, get back into there and start recording. Get back in there and do your healing. That's where you need to be. And which was absolutely right as an artist. I mean that is absolutely right. But I wasn't thinking like that. So this, she was really instrumental in me starting the process of the healing project, which is what I'm at the tail end right now. I've got a double album thing that I'm doing. Um, I don't even have a title for it. I don't even title the songs yet. I have 16, eight and one need to like 16, 18 songs. And then I have another album that will be just of me playing piano in the chapel, uh, that will be called the chapel sessions. And it's, it's a part of the attribute to him, a part of the tribute to the journey. Uh, and it's also reflective of where I was at at this time of my life. My music feels and sounds of that nature, just like the Christmas stuff did, where you can tell the kind of life where you're at in your life, walk by what music you're listening to, you know, and that's Kinda like where did this project is. You'll hear them, you'll hear the harm, you'll hear the sadness and we'll want to play a little bit of that with this. Sure. They're all done. Uh, so has it helped? Yes. Yeah. So kind of like a voice that I can't talk about. That's that, that's that Cathartic part of my artistic nature where I can say things and I can let emotions come out through my music and that is just priceless. That's a great part of, of what I do. I have to ask, because you have the problem with your hearing, so how are you able to see, you can still hear it in your head. I still hear things in my head the same way that I did prior to my surgery. So creativity, facility, all that stays the same. Uh, the only time that the hearing becomes a problem is, is when somebody is talking to me on my right side. But that's, that's when it becomes an issue. Uh, as far as anything creative wise, it still flows. And, uh, I'm really proud of the work that I did on these albums. I'm very, very pleased with the way they came out and, uh, in happy with it and it's healing for sure. And I've done other projects. I wrote the school song for four holy family. They sing every year at graduation. I've distilled a lot of, I'm still involved in a lot of stuff. Um, musically that I really liked, but it's, it's, uh, it's not my career choice. It's actually my, my passion choice. It's what I love to do. You mentioned that you, do, you have talked to others going through this, so what kind of advice have you, or do you give them to deal with? Because again, this in plan for this, you don't want this. No, you don't wish it on anyone. And there are so many variables. I mean, everybody's circumstances different, whether it be the surgery itself or the post-surgery. All you do is you kind of prepare them for the worst, but expect the best. So you have, you have to try to give them that balance. You don't want to give them false hope that, oh, this is going to be fine, or your hearing's going to be fine or anything like that because you don't know that and they're not gonna know until they get into the surgery. So you, you encourage them to prepare their lives, get somebody to cut the lawn, get your bills in order, do an auto pay on your bills, get your cards down, prepare yourself because you've lost control of a part of your body that it no matter what, you're going to be doing this. So if you have control over a part of your life, that way, at least you feel like you're actively controlling something and it gives you, it gives you purpose. You know, and I think I'm somewhere along the way in, in doing ministry jobs, we learned that if you are in the midst of a really heavy emotion, you cannot make decisions. No, you can't again. Right? Yeah. Get rid of all that stuff that's going to need your attention because you cannot deal with it. Right. Well especially cause it's your brain. There's something, there's something like a, something that's so close to your thought process in your mind that you just, you don't, you don't want to deal with it. And you don't want to make decisions poorly because you're under some kind of strain. So really doing those things prior to a, any kind of traumatic injury or, or surgery like that really can make a difference in the recovery process because your mind is on healing and not on maintenance that way. Fine grief. Because you said you didn't give yourself time to grieve that and so that would open up a little bit of space. Right. Okay. So you've mentioned, but I'd like you to try to summarize what has helped get you to this, some of the things you mentioned and then see if we're missing. Um, well, the music, music is important to you, but you're, you're talking to people, there's therapy. I think you mentioned some chemistry. Uh, has you
Speaker 7:move from, this is 2014. We're recording this in 2018, how have you survived? I think the first couple of years were difficult because a lot of what I was internalizing, uh, was all inside of one. Just talking. I think the best thing that I could have done is to start talking about it, be open about it, and don't let the heartache, uh, overwhelm the need to be able to discuss it. Discuss your emotions about it being encouraging to others that may have had it. Listen to other people's stories and you know, guide them if you can. Oh. Just allowing to have the conversation really can make the difference in healing or not talking is crucial. And A, I didn't do that for the first couple of years. Wow. Wow. That was, that was the mistake. How have you changed as a result? Appreciative. Uh, I loved my kids. I love any kids, but my kids are my, my absolute heartbeat and uh, Mario, my life and I just really appreciate the time. 30 days is, is not a long time, but that was his entire life. Wow. And so how does that, how does that affect you? I don't know. I, he's, the whole life was with me and, and any new loves no boundaries. And so that just, you have so much to love and so much to give and it really allowed me to be much more savvier.
Speaker 3:I'm much more,
Speaker 7:you know, it's, some guys think, well you can't. Oh yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. You've got to love these kids. You've got to let them know. And there was without a doubt that Aiden knew that I loved him and I made sure that my kids know that appreciative of time and appreciative of love and of their health. So yeah.
Speaker 3:So you said it earlier, but it is how I had hoped we would end. Tell me again Aden's full name and what it means
Speaker 7:aimed Alexander Bradford. Aiden is old Gaelic for little fire. Alexander is protector of the people. And then Bradford's, my last name, Aiden Alexander Bradford, he was my son and I love him. I miss him every day. Did he live up to his name? Oh yeah. And he lit a fire underneath everybody that, that he met and they, he, uh, cross paths with. So yeah, he was, he was, he was a big dude. That's very cool. Okay. Thanks for sharing all of this with us and sharing your time. I know it's painful, but it's such a huge part of your life. You got to talk about it.
Speaker 3:So that wraps up today's visit with Tim Bradford. It's our episode called one. It's not a happy ending. I think the message I just want to leave people with is that you're still standing. You still love. In fact, I think you love differently and perhaps more and you still live, uh, even when significant portions of your life don't end the way you want them to. Right? Right, right. Okay, thanks to thanks
Speaker 8:[inaudible]
Speaker 3:you've been listening to passing through life. I show that explores how people get through major life changes. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please leave a wonderful review in apple podcasts that will help new listeners know more what to expect, and you can email me@passingthroughlifepodcastatgmail.com. Feel free to comment about this show or suggest people and topics for future episodes. I'm Luanne bold Becker. Thanks again for joining us.